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A letter to my daughter

My darling, my little boo boo. I have so many things I want to tell you. I have loved you from the minute I knew you existed. I remember every kick and time I heard your heart inside my tummy. I was so so happy I had you there safe . I am your Mammy bear. I am the one who is here silently battling to make people listen to me for you and cheering you on so you can be the yourself and get chances just like everyone else.

That’s what I want for you. Just to be yourself. You are so beautiful, kind , fun , courageous and brave. I’m so so proud of all you have overcame in your 11 years already. You have pushed through more than most adults I know because you are STRONG, my little love. You have the power and resilience inside you to take on whatever the world throws your way and I’ll be right here still cheering, hugging and beaming with pride . We are a team baby and we have an even bigger team who will break down any barriers that gets in your way behind us.

You are YOU. Your core is who you are ,that’s your base, your centre, LISTEN to it. It will not send you wrong. TRUST baby, trust in people , trust what’s happening for you there will be a lesson or a reason for it happening.

It won’t even be easy but honey it will be worth it. Worth hard times, worth tears, worth being scared and grab those moments and go for it. Don’t ever let your mind hold you back. Tell it to STOP, say NO, count backwards from 5 and shoot for the moon. Just do it. If it makes you happy. NOONE is as important as you. Grab those moments of happiness and utter joy and HOLD ON tight to them , store them up for the bad days. IT WILL PASS, it always does my love and when it does lean on your team and lean into that. There’s a reason for it all.

Fall in love, find people who will dance and sing with you until your heart is full and content and laugh hard and loud until you snort and have tears streaming and a stitch. And keep those people in your life, they are what is good for your soul . That’s my wish for you. Do the things you love for you and do them often.You DESERVE it.

You are my centre a part of my being and the reason why I was put on this earth. We shared our core for a time and I’m so so glad you chose me . I love you so so much my little baba and NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT. 🌞🌛✨

UNKNOWN

Our journey continues , moments of pure happiness that makes us smile laugh and wonder is this diagnosis even true and moments of pure heartbreaking desperation that stops me in my tracks and floors me both literally and metaphorically .

I have blog about our journey through diagnosis and seeking help and supports for my daughter and as much as I am proud to say I see some real progress in some areas. Other areas are much the same emotional and behaviour wise. The violence and verbal assaults are back with a bang. I’ve learned not to try spend too much time trying to find triggers as there often isn’t one .

We have had a private diagnosis this year and had to got through the public system here in Ireland called CAMHS ( child and adult mental health services). Which to date I personally have not found helpful. I’ve decided to try explain through a little ditty and really to try get my heartbreak and upset out so I can carry on and remain as strong as I can for her.

JOURNEY

This is for me to look back at in years,

about our life with ADHD through laughter and tears .

The confusion, the assessments, the meetings and reports,

the mix of professionals who I had hoped would share a common cohort.

D day said diagnosis

is combined ADHD.

But now you’ll need to go public

for help don’t you see.

Armed with report

I did the next step.

Got our referral,

then sat and wept.

Why had this happened

had I missed the signs all along.

Was it my fault,

where had I gone wrong.

Was it her birth,

she arrived fast and quick.

Or was it the time

she passed out when she was sick.

The Questions and doubts

fly round my brain

like a roundabout hosting a lightening fast train.

I MUST REMAIN Calm
I MUST REMAIN Strong

She needs me even more now ,I can’t get this wrong!!..

I reach for support in familar places and new

see angst and pity on their faces,

but I cant seem to get through.

Anxiety talks, books, webinars and the daily flower drop,

My brain is screaming wont someone help

and make this stop.

I held out in hope ,this new professional will try

and wait in worry as 6 more months go by.

Behaviors are bad, Violence is here.

NVR training and patience and try make it safe here.

Then comes the call,

I’ve prayed I would hear,

someone who can help ,

and guide us back to a path ,more clear.

But wait he thinks the reports wrong,

Theres no ADHD.

She just a bit of a brat don’t you see.

Do you eat breakfast,

Use your phone in bed?

Do you take exercise?

I couldnt believe what was being said.

I tried to be clear, maintain my compusure .

I didn’t agree and was glad when it was over.

Treat the anxiety and

Tell her No.

Heres some drtugs and

now you may go!

I left in a daze,

shocked, worried and upset.

How could he say that

He hadn’t taken time to even meet her yet.

She is my daughter, deserves so much more,

which is the right path and what will it have in store.

I’m gathering my courage,

pulling from my tribe so dear.

I know this is unacceptable and

I must take a stand here.

Back to the start

after all we had done.

We need another private opinion and

through my research,

Ive know just the one.

The wait starts again,

this familiar limbo land calls loud.

But I cant accept this and not because im too proud.

ADHD is the root,

Where we need to treat is part of the brain,

We deal with it daily and

see how it effects her and causes emotional pain.

This is a short sum up of our journey to date, my hope for you is your path is an easier one to take…

X

Geraldine

Did you know this about ADHD?

I’ve been researching and watching lots of videos and attending webinars from professionals in the field of child and adult mental health and my mind is blown. I will be the first to admit when I thought of ADHD before I thought of a hyper, bouncing off the walls, misbehaving child. That was through my lack of knowledge and I suppose assumptions. Until I my own child was assessed and given that diagnosis. The latest one I attended was about schools age children with ADHD.

Some of the topics covered are below and if you are interested they are worth researching and seeing if they are relevant to you and your child.

Working memory and short term memory

Executive functioning

Assistive technology

Movement breaks

Neurodiversity

A go to person in school

Being flexible in your thoughts about school

What you should ask the school

Mental health =first priority

I am not a professional and could go into these topics in detail but that’s not me. I’m picking one that stood out for me and one that has kept me awake many a night and worried me in the day. Being flexible in your thoughts on school.

A bit of background.. My daughter attended the same school, her elder brother did and I did as a child and my father before me. It wasn’t anything special about it . It was part of our community and I felt very tied emotionally to the school. Our church, our local clubs, family fun days etc all revolves around the school and our connections in the community.. It suited my sons needs and my daughters needs until last year. I had so many happy memories in the school myself and wanted them to have that too\.selfish reasons i know plus dont get me wrong it was a great school…If in my opinion you don’t have additional needs then its a whole other ball game..

Fast forward with a diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety and school refusal.She was embarrassed, felt shame and guilt, she at her worst had hit a teacher and ran through the corridor screaming for me on days when we had tried a gradual reintroduction.That does not paint a pretty picture but alas that is what it is.It was not easy for her or me and it didn’t work.We tried everything you name it.I was met with even more reluctance, tears and panic attacks about going so I was advised by her play therapist to stop.Stop trying for the moment and lets see with some patience, understanding, therapy and removing any pressure would it help her.

Covid saved us from school refusal and her anxieties have softened and she is progressing. It was a welcome break from my worry and hers about school and school work and what her friends thought.As I’ve spoken about before it was just time to be. Last week during the webinar the section on being flexible really hit me.I was asking her to be flexible, to compromise to do something she was really unhappy about and then it struck me.WAS I BEING FLEXIBLE?

No is the simple answer.I was yes doing my best but wasnt really willing to be flexible on where she went to school.At the beginning of refusal, I offered it as a solution but not as a definite and that is where my mistake was. I needed to be the adult and make the decision and then inform her of the plan. I do think children should get a choice in some matters but serious life events are to be chosen by parents or parent in my case.

I was scared, scared of making the wrong choice for her and regretting it later. Was she better with her friends in a school that had limited resources and had already judged and that she was familiar withand had been settled and ok in all these years or do I give her a school where she could have the chance to shine, have all the resources and experience she needs and repeat the year and makes new friends. It was a very hard decision to make. It came with tossing and turning, lying awake thinking of the pros and cons of a move and trying to think of her best interests. Would she be happy, would it help, would she settle, would sue make friends.

Mothers guilt was truly taking over the decision process.But after talking it over with our Marie’s .. my Therapist and my daughters play therapist share a name . Apart from the last letter, so we call them our Marie’s. I decided to bite the bullet. I told her we would be returning to our ‘normal’ in September. And she would be attending a new school where some kids we know go. She was angry but she actually accepted it within 3days and then announced she needed to pack her pencil case. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or break out the champagne.Its a giant leap in the right direction and I’m so glad I listened to the webinar . I often find listening to podcasts, webinars or even conversations that I might just find one or two helpful things but some of those things can be life changing. This I feel is going to be the start of ours.. Fingers crossed .

Just keep swimming 🏄🏻‍♀️

A little time

With return to school and reduced timetable, I have found myself with some freedom for myself. Life can be so busy and mind consuming at times, it’s difficult to make time for yourself on your thoughts . With this in mind I promised myself the hours my lady was in school I would use for my self. No house work, no errands, no demands or expectations just to give myself time. For me to do what I like.

The constant scheduling and routine combined with strategies and techniques required to keep my little lady calm is so overwhelming at times. At times I have to stop and really think to myself; how can I turn the demand I want from her into a forced choice. Do I need to implement low arousal for her now? Is this behavioural or part of her autism that she can’t help control or is it part of ADHD or is she over anxious about something. It’s really never ending. It’s new learning for me I will hold my hands up and say I DID NOT HAVE A CLUE, but like everything when you have no choice but to learn and learn fast you do. I struggle with the feeling that it still feels unnatural to me as I’m still finding out and exploring how these ‘disorders’ affect her , I hate that word by the ways! And learning is good it means I will learn to do this naturally and that will only benefit my little lady and help me explain to others what does and doesn’t work and what she needs.

Anyway back to relaxing. Pppff what are they really. I go into a coma these days when I sleep as I’m so tired from the endless monkey in my brain reminding me of appts, zooms, calls to make, scripts to collect, people to chase and trying to keep on top of it all. In those earlier days when I wake my whole body aches, my shoulders feel like I’ve bench pressed my body weight, a headache when I wake. I’m constantly tired. So that is why I decided when she goes to school I need to rest .

Thanks to my amazing Life Coach Qween T we shall call her 💕and my therapist Qween M 💕I am now so I tune with myself and my body I can recognise what I need depending on my mental and physical state. Gone are the days of doing housework all day long and it still looking as bad come 6 in the evening, gone are the days of trying to fit wash after wash after wash on clothes line and gone are the days of doing it all. I stopped . ‘Farm out the shite jobs’ and I did just that I got myself a cleaner once a week .I introduced my partner to the world of grocery shopping and online delivery and have a system for towel and bedding washing, I bulk make dinners WHEN I feel I can spare that energy . Sounds so desperately boring but sometimes that’s the stuff you need to delegate. It’s the white jobs that get you use your mental and physical energy when you’re constantly running on empty. And guess what we all survived everything still looks the same and we are fed and have clean clothes and a nice home but I had to do that for me.

Now guess what I had a nap one morning last week, I walk my little doggie instead of mopping the floors, I listen to a book or crochet ,drink a WARM coffee. Anything but the shite stuff because life is too short to put yourself under pressure for those things. I am treating myself like I would a friend.

My little model with my latest creation ❤️🧶

She wolf

I read something this morning keeps cropping upon different places , so I’ve decided to use this as my next post.

Dogs.Pets, companions,mans best friend,service dogs, therapy dogs, our four legged friends. The unconditional love and happiness they bring to your life is second to none.

We rescued our first fur baby last year and as we like to say she’s a mixed breed, a bundle of fur and love. Having her in our life made walks more fun, a new topic to chat about.Someone who will snuggle and cuddle you even in moments of utter distress and joy. She will licks tears away and make you belly laugh when she thinks she’s a greyhound running in the field. Simple.

Poppy was a special interest to develop and bond with for our little lady and we decided to get a little bit of dog training done to show how dogs must learn and respect rules also. I laugh as I think how naive I was making the booking not at all taking into consideration that demands and rules are two huge struggles for my lady.

So fast forward our fantastic Dog trainer arriving and down comes my little lady in full camp gear with a headband with two socks tied to make dog ears and a black sock stuffed with socks for a tail hanging out the back of her pants. I’m so used to her dressing up for games or events ,I didn’t bat an eye and the dog trainer took it very enthusiastically until… she started howling. She wanted to be as she said part of the pack and every command the dog trainer tried to show with Poppy , she howled liked a wolf. Long wolf like howls that would impress any wolf. No matter what I tried, she continued and you know what it was ok. She got great enjoyment, used great creativity and imagination and our lovable Poppy never did get a session number two but she’s turned out just fine too.

I suppose as I write and think sometimes people and animals find it hard to follow demands and rules but it doesn’t mean they are as people or dogs .To me it means they find different ways of learning and picking up behaviours.

Relaxed mode

Here I go again

Feels like forever since I’ve posted here and so many updates and positives (thankfully) that I’d like to share to give hope to others in a similar situation.

We have had QB testing performed, which for those who don’t know, in lay mans terms, is a computerized test that a person undertakes to check their level of movement & attentiveness. It takes on average 15-20 minutes to do. A band type headband is worn by the participant and it has a small camera attached to it. They are seated in front of a screen that will show images and hold a clicker of sorts. The objective is for the participant to click when they see a certain image on the screen. The responses are picked up by a sensor camera in front of them and the result is compared to a ‘NORM’ peer of same age and same sex without ADHD.

Testing here in Ireland has to be sent to the UK for analysis and results are usually relayed within a couple of weeks. Its not a stand alone diagnostic tool as I was reminded many times but used in conjunction with other assessment tools. The result is very visual and I had prepared myself by looking at some online but yet its always different when its your own child.

It showed again varying results, attention was borderline and impulsivity was high. This was explained to not show meet clear markers so again no intervention. Fast forward another two months of trial and error and seeking outside supports for ourselves and Lil Lady. Finally we began ADHD meds and almost immediately I saw changes, little changes, more compliant, happier, settled, not racing brain or body, overall calmer.

I don’t have words to explain the desperate limits you reach, how door after door are so often closed and the endless I’m sorry this service doesn’t suit, try XYZ or sorry there is a 2 year wait list.

In between all that ,we began an Occupational Therapy Assessment , privately sourced, I suppose to rule in or out sensory processing disorder and seek some help with the emotional &social skills and after the 8 weeks, I heard the letters ASD. Red flags, transitional difficulties , baby talk, have you noticed this at home. Yes of course but I put it down to ADHD difficulties.

So we are on another road now. Alongside ADHD. Comorbidity it’s called when a child has more than one additional need. I wont lie the tears and panic rose again inside my soul, I felt I had gotten this far only to be dragged back to the beginning searching for help and support for one ‘disorder’.

Autism Spectrum Disorder. We are back awaiting assessment and working very hard with behavioral support specialist who I think is going to change our life and hers.

I know it will be alright in the end and as long as she is happy and reaching her potential to the best of her ability, I am happy. And am grateful for this blog, for my little lady, my tribe for knowledge and strength to keep truckin on.X

Square Peg -Round hole, Education system.*

*The Following is only my experience and opinion and not meant to devalue any sector or any person working in the education system.

As I have previous mentioned in my blog ,Slipping through my fingers and What I wish I’d known, we are still very much waiting on our health system to get the supports my daughter needs.I was lucky to attend a webinar for school age children with ADHD recently.I am still in process of trying to research what it is and how if possible I can help my daughter so researching works for me.I was sitting here thinking about something that a top Psychologist said at the beginning.She said that ADHD was so much more than a cluster of characteristics and how symptoms present are unique to each child depending on their personality, intelligence level and home life.I think we all pretty much knew that part and that wasn’t the part that got me.She stated that until teachers were provided training and there was an improvement in Data collection surrounding ADHD, only then could the focus be on interventions to support and be able to move away from the standardized approach within the school sector.

I just thought WOW so true, so much needs to be done for all these kids. They are not square peg round hole kids, one size box doesn’t fit all.Every person is unique and different and has life challenges but for a child who alongside having a race car brain, possible emotional development delay and compromised executive function, it would be next to impossible for my daughter to be able to function to the best of her ability in a school setting without support.

In Ireland ,as it stands children with ADHD are maybe entitled to a SNA ( Special Needs Assistant) allocation in the school setting for a couple of hours in school. I’ve been advised already its like gold dust to receive an SNA, which didn’t give me much comfort.Depending of course on the severity of needs, the child most likely will share a resource teacher with another child and expected to conform for the rest of time unsupported and unaided in a classroom of up to 30 peers and one teacher.If they are school refusing, which is a lot more common that I ever knew, they can receive possibly 5 hours a week home tuition.The latter is the situation we are in.Point Blank refusal.Even as I write this, I fear judgement.What mother can’t get her child to go to school .Lots it seems , its a lot more common than you think!And lord knows, I’ve tried everything humanly possible to change it but sadly all has failed to date.But Ill hold onto hope.

I hope I don’t seem negative about the education system, I really value it and recognize the huge importance in every child’s life . But for me the above is not enough.Every child is entitled to an education whether its the conventional way or not.Post Covid and post supports put in place that is one of the first hurdles we will face.I know, in reality my daughter will need assistance in organisation, goal setting, coping mechanisms, self control and help and guidance with her emotional regulation throughout the day.Phew!! I haven’t touched on the fact my daughter has separation anxiety related to me.

The school, teacher and SNA will need to be very familiar with my daughter’s type of ADHD and her personality traits to be able to implement strategies to educate and manage my daughter successfully in a classroom .It will be very much a collaborative approach between me and her school.

I usually don’t try think to far ahead but it does worry me immensely about the future but I firmly believe the right person will enter our lives and school will be a success again as it was once before.

If the road is ever difficult and rivers seem to wide ,

if the hills are insurrmountable,

I’m right here by your side.

To help you through lifes journeys ,

sharing burdens on the way,

Remember I’ll do all I can to brighten up your day.

Oh my Goodness.I’ve been nominated for The Real Neat Blog Award.

Im very happy to participate in this award and thank you so much to Caz from https://mentalhealthfromtheotherside.com/.I never expected to be tagged in anything like this and it has made my day. I would encourage everyone to take a look at Caz’s Blog.It is a blog that really gives such an experienced insight into the world of Mental Health from a personal and professional experience. Caz hits on topics that some shy away from and I would like to say she is a wealth of knowledge, information and life skills and she writes so descriptively something that only one who has experienced could do.Well Done Caz and Thank you.

RULES FOR THE REAL NEAT AWARD

  • Display the award logo
  • Thank the blogger who nominated you and post a link to their blog
  • Answer the questions of the one who nominated you
  • Nominate some bloggers you follow and adore
  • Ask them seven questions

CAZ’S QUESTIONS

Tell us a bit about your blog and why you started it?

My Blog could be described as a mixed bag, very much a journey and work in progress.I blog about my life and my families journey through an ADHD diagnosis.I really type from deep within of my life experiences and blog through the highs and lows of it all.I started the blog, to be honest, as a release somewhere just for me to get my thoughts out, to look for others in similar situations and to try help those who were facing what I had faced and to try share the little knowledge , wisdom and tips if any I have picked up on the way.

Which genre of books/films do you like most and do you have a favourite book or film?

I love to read more so than watch films and my favorite genre would be also mixed.Biographies, self development and fiction.My all time favorite film is Gone with the Wind and my daughter was very close to being Katie Scarlett.

Who would be your favourite dining partner and why?

I would love to have dinner with Brene Brown, I think she is brilliant and totally hilarious and I think we could have great craic.

When did you last have a great big fat belly laugh and why or who were you with?

At the weekend myself and a couple of friends met up and there was a thunder storm and we played Thunder Rolls and danced around the kitchen like Five 16 year old school children…We are all nearly 40!

What would be your last meal and why?

Simple.My Mothers Roast Beef and roast potatoes and homemade gravy.It tastes like heaven on earth and we have such happy memories of meals together having that meal, it makes me smile to even think about it.

Where was your last holiday destination and would you recommend it?

My last holiday destination was Alcudia, Majorca.It was the most fantastic relaxing location.Not the usual hustle bustle of a sun holiday and beautiful surroundings.Our hotel had a little island linked to it and it felt like I was in the Bahama’s.I would 100% recommend.

Have you ever wanted to stop blogging and, if so, why?

ehmm I’ve only begun recently but I think the only thing that would stop me is fear and I’m working on that!

QUESTIONS FOR MY NOMINEE’S

  1. How did you feel pressing publish for the first time on your blog?
  2. What is your favorite quote and why?
  3. Do you have a morning ritual? If so what does it entail?
  4. What is your go to song for mood boosting?
  5. What is the best piece of advice someone ever gave you?
  6. Do you have a pet?
  7. If you could only read one book for the rest of your life what would it be?

The blogs I’m tagging are:

Music Memories

When I started my blog , I wanted to it to be true representation of me. My life, my journey and my family journey. Along the way, I have found some things that help me and boost me and music is definitely one for me.

I come from a big family and my earliest music memory was playing ‘leader of the pack ‘at home in a bedroom on a record player. I smile today hearing the song playing in my head and laughing at the simplicity of it. Remember those.. We had a large brown box full of old crony type records and that song was my memory of it. Boxcar Willie and The Carpenters to name a few.

Those were the days when you would sit and write down all the words of songs so you could have a good sing a long properly! Singing and dancing like nobody was listening and watching.

We moved on then to have a radio cassette player and that was a game changer. Tape mixing began , listening to a radio station and pushing record and play simultaneously to get the song onto the tape and trying to catch it before the DJ started to speak again. The peeling of the stickers and writing songs on the tape cassette so you knew what was on it.Our local radio station was a big thing then . It played the ‘love zone’ nightly and would take requests and that was basically our social media to see who would be mentioned.That was the time for the tape mixing to be used frantically. Toni Braxton, Mariah Carey , Boys 2 men and my own favourite Celine Dion were always played.

I never remember CD’s coming out but during Covid lockdown, I had a spring clean and found the Spice Girls cd single that was probably one of the first I owned. I laughed when I found it and of course had to try to my trusty Spotify to play the song and I danced and laughed and sang every word!

I always remember music being part of my life. I never played an instrument and can’t sing all that well but god loves a trier! I get lost in it and some songs hold special memories for me. Some can be happy , some can be mood boosting, and some sad. I have upgraded to Spotify lately and my playlist is full of all songs that hold happy memories for me and I blast them out when I’m driving alone or at home .

I have figured that while trying to create a positive space in my home , upbeat songs are the best and ones that evoke that feeling like nobody is listening or watching.. That is the reason I try link each blog post to a song and as anyone on a journey they will vary from post to post but I hope you like the trip down memory lane.

The Silence

Domestic abuse is not defined in Irish legislation. It is however considered to be the physical, sexual, financial, emotional or psychological abuse of one person against another within a family environment or by an intimate partner currently or previously, regardless of gender or sexuality.

My description is different for me it’s so personal. Personal because it’s the life I have lived and been subjected to for the last 11 years. For me these definitions were very real, very subtle and regularly occurring. I couldn’t stop it. In truth I didn’t even know it was domestic abuse until about two months ago, when professionals pointed it out what I was describing as my life .. How stupid am I.. I could it believe it.It made so much sense, my anxiety when I saw him or his name on my phone.How negatively he affected me and my mental health..

The emotional and psychological abuse started the first time we ever were intimate.I will never forget his cruel, ugly words that night and they continued to become more cruel over the years but as I was insecure about myself at the time . I let it slide .. That was the beginning.. He slowly but surely started to control my days from lists of what cleaning I should do that day to what we would do at weekends.. He always seemed to have great excuses , I want to help you be more organised, it’s family time for us, except the catch was the family time was strained, controlled and manipulated at every opportunity by him and if it involved him having alcohol somewhere anything that he didn’t get to say that week sober he did drunk. I remember lying in bed hearing him come home from one of many such times and ripping the covers off me and ordering me from the home.I had to leave and thankfully my children weren’t home that night. I was outside in my pyjamas and a phone. No money, no keys and devastated. That is only one incident out of so many . He constantly told me how I didn’t do things right from wiping dust to my parenting and everything in between.. How I should look after myself better, how I was pretty but I didn’t let the world see , how I should wear make up and let him help pick clothes I bought.

It was so unpredictable, I would know his mood by his face coming up the drive and knew to keep out of his way, which is very hard in a two up two down.He had’ the look’ that I still see these days it’s hard to explain the psychological impact it has on a person..He would not speak to me for days on end regularly if I had done something ‘wrong’. By wrong I mean that it wasn’t what he wanted to expected of me.. After all the years that silence still haunts me. It makes me feel physically ill to think of , never mind to think I actually live it with my children. I would plead and beg to for communication to try bring normality back into the home but really ,it never matter until he wanted to speak it’s was pointless. The rejection and lack of empathy towards my feelings were soul destroying.

Everything was my fault. I was to be grateful he let me into his life, that he opened his doors to me.. He never meant any of it , I wasn’t to be silly or so sensitive.. He made sure I wanted for nothing as long as it was his idea tha I needed it. But I really loved him, I couldn’t leave. I depended on his for everything. I was torn between my love for him and by then my self esteem, confidence and self worth was in the drain. I truly believed all he was saying as they say if enough mud is thrown eventually some will start to stick.

Alongside all that was the financial abuse which still to this day he uses as a pawn. He controlled all of the finances.. He was better with money..He did our grocery shop buying the cheapest of every single item on the list. We had an allowance every week which was to be used as saving to spend at end of month but there was a catch I had to keep the house going on mine and he could save his and berate me at end of each month for not having anything left.

The financial abuse actually got worse when I left because I was solely dependant on governmental financial help for a while.So he would start keeping kids clothes or shoes if worn to his home until they were too small and give them back then. I struggled and it seemed he enjoyed to see me struggle. He would stop any financial support for my child if I didn’t behave like he wanted or assist in any school fees or extra curricular activities. He would claim he was struggling and not able to help and I understood that was ok.Then he would immediately lavish gifts, unnecessary items on kids just to prove how poor and much better he was.

If I tried to stop his controlling, manipulating ways towards me nicely and politely so many times over the years but I have just been met with a brick wall and total refusal to comply and stay compliant . He recently started to reject and refused to communicate with my child for a period because he said I didn’t treat him good enough ( probably too good, if the truth be told!) and he actually gave us the greatest gift. He cut himself from our lives and it gave us freedom and peace like no other.

So today is the day I break the silence and speak with my solicitor and let them help and guide me and my family’s safety for the future. I am standing up and saying No more. We deserve better.

Freedom is being yourself without permission.